Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
It's not a walk of shame if you run
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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