my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I am available for nakedness
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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