I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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