I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
