The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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