i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
