Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
