shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
