there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
