please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
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