Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
