i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
