Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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