I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
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