does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I intend to get homeless drunk
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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