I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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