2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
