I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
