I can text with my tongue
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
