I think my fart just growled at me.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
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