bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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