you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
