The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
