I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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