He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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