I feel great
I just peed on a car
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
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