No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
