I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
