Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I stole a fireplace last night.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
