Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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