I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
