Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
