bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
