You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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