i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
