I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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