Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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