my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
