Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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