You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
