I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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