I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
