They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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