So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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