when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
