Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
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Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
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You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86