Texts From Last Night

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  (586): View more from Michigan

  i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning

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  (586): i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning http://tfl.nu/zcz6
  Replies (33) Good night (3044) Bad night (732)
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  she has no idea who harrison ford is.

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s

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  (641): she has no idea who harrison ford is. (617): see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s http://tfl.nu/0yb7
  Replies (52) Good night (667) Bad night (3496)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.

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  (303): You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you. http://tfl.nu/1hxd
  Replies (22) Good night (4770) Bad night (945)
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.

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  (402): I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat. http://tfl.nu/6414
  Replies (14) Good night (4351) Bad night (1020)
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy

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  (732): On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy http://tfl.nu/zv53
  Replies (57) Good night (5647) Bad night (807)
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  (813): View more from Florida

  my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me

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  (813): my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me http://tfl.nu/uytx
  Replies (63) Good night (9518) Bad night (1211)
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.

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  (405): Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon. http://tfl.nu/zm69
  Replies (34) Good night (8181) Bad night (935)
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  (315): View more from New York

  i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.

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  (315): i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over. http://tfl.nu/n0ys
  Replies (15) Good night (8566) Bad night (1164)
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship

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  (808): I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship http://tfl.nu/z40t
  Replies (4) Good night (1474) Bad night (2042)
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.

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  (570): I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know. http://tfl.nu/puq8
  Replies (10) Good night (1782) Bad night (550)
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango

  (1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

  IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.

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  (717): Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango (1-717): IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN. http://tfl.nu/b5hl
  Replies (45) Good night (1614) Bad night (5298)
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself

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  (843): I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself http://tfl.nu/cqdr
  Replies (6) Good night (1802) Bad night (681)
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  (386): View more from Florida

  The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.

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  (386): The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband. http://tfl.nu/86hq
  Replies (4) Good night (705) Bad night (660)
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  ....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.

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  (908): ....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle. http://tfl.nu/zsd1
  Replies (3) Good night (912) Bad night (351)
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine

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  (720): Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine http://tfl.nu/xw9t
  Replies (1) Good night (562) Bad night (244)

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