My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
