in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
