when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
