Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
