when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
