mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
