Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
