I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
