I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
